(Source: textfromdog)

“wanna do a study on sensitive 20something bros who listen to jeff buckley and wear charming floppy sweaters but who are secretly shitty to women because they think no man who likes meaningful films and thinks girls gone wild is stupid could ever be called misogynistic and then write a book about it and call it “the male navel gaze”

danielleh:

Remember that time we went to London and I almost shit myself?

Shitting oneself is always funny.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD, YOU SLUTTY SLUT. WHAT’S THE PROBLEM TODAY? YOU WANT A SLUTTY MAMMOGRAM TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT YOU’VE GOT SLUTTY BREAST CANCER? JUST KIDDING, OF COURSE. YOU’RE HERE FOR AN ABORTION BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES IT’S MATHEMATICALLY PROVEN THAT LESS THAN FIVE PERCENT OF OUR TOTAL PROCEDURES ARE ABORTION, EVERYONE STILL BELIEVES THAT ALL WE DO IS GET RID OF YOU AND YOUR ARMY OF HIPPIE BOYFRIENDS’ SLUTTY MISTAKES, YOU BIG OLD SLUT, YOU.
SLUTEVER, AM I RIGHT? TAKE A SEAT OVER THERE AND WE’LL SEND SOMEONE OUT TO DO A PROVOCATIVE SEX DANCE BEFORE WE GIVE YOU SOME NUDIE MAGS AND NIPPLE TASSELS. I HOPE YOU DON’T HAVE ANY LEGITIMATE HEALTH ISSUES BECAUSE THAT WOULD RUIN OUR NONSTOP SLUT PARTY.
NEXT, PLEASE.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD, YOU SLUTTY SLUT. WHAT’S THE PROBLEM TODAY? YOU WANT A SLUTTY MAMMOGRAM TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT YOU’VE GOT SLUTTY BREAST CANCER? JUST KIDDING, OF COURSE. YOU’RE HERE FOR AN ABORTION BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES IT’S MATHEMATICALLY PROVEN THAT LESS THAN FIVE PERCENT OF OUR TOTAL PROCEDURES ARE ABORTION, EVERYONE STILL BELIEVES THAT ALL WE DO IS GET RID OF YOU AND YOUR ARMY OF HIPPIE BOYFRIENDS’ SLUTTY MISTAKES, YOU BIG OLD SLUT, YOU.

SLUTEVER, AM I RIGHT? TAKE A SEAT OVER THERE AND WE’LL SEND SOMEONE OUT TO DO A PROVOCATIVE SEX DANCE BEFORE WE GIVE YOU SOME NUDIE MAGS AND NIPPLE TASSELS. I HOPE YOU DON’T HAVE ANY LEGITIMATE HEALTH ISSUES BECAUSE THAT WOULD RUIN OUR NONSTOP SLUT PARTY.

NEXT, PLEASE.

“There is no god and that’s the simple truth. If every trace of any single religion died out and nothing were passed on, it would never be created exactly that way again. There might be some other nonsense in its place, but not that exact nonsense. If all of science were wiped out, it would still be true and someone would find a way to figure it all out again.”

I’ve been forced to explain homosexuality to my kids (aged 3 and 4) because their uncle is gay. This incredibly difficult and traumatic experience went as follows:

Child: Why does Uncle Bob go everywhere with Pete?
Me: Because they’re in love, just like Mummy and Daddy are.
Child: Oh. Can I have a biscuit?

We’re all scarred for life. Scarred, I tell you.

(Source: firstbook)

(Source: kateoplis)